


my cigarette burned my finger ('cause i forgot i lit it)

by hantaclub



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: A lot - Freeform, M/M, MUAH!, but he doesn't admit it, chan gets alcohol spilled on him, im so bad at tagging, just a litte though, maybe he's whipped, minho likes chan, minho smokes, minho thinks a lot, only chan and minho are present, they kiss, this sucks just saying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 12:37:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15729552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hantaclub/pseuds/hantaclub
Summary: minho thinks a lot, and maybe he missed the way chris felt next to him.-lowercase intended uwu





	my cigarette burned my finger ('cause i forgot i lit it)

**Author's Note:**

> hi! this is my second ever ao3 fic! so yay! i apologize because i got lazy towards the end, and i didn't go through this so OOF if there are spelling errors, blame my chicken! also title from matt maesons "hallucinogenics"
> 
> also follow my twitter @ straybams if you are a minchanator :o

chris bang, a name that lee minho wishes he didn't have to hear anymore. he hated the way it felt rolling off his tongue so much that he got drunk off of it. the name made him want to steal a car and drive for hours blasting unknown songs off spotify. the name made him want to leave love bites on a strangers neck and steal money from people at a club. the name made him want to do bad things, and he hated it. he hated how much he loved the name. that name made him feel loved, made him feel alive. he hated how hot his skin felt when he thought about it. he misses seeing his stupid face, now that he really thinks about it. he misses seeing his stupud dimples and hearing his stupid laugh. he really shouldn't miss him, but he does. he misses the things they used to do together. they did things minho knows he can't do alone. his eyes flicker around the room, the bright red and blue lights burning his corneas. he looked around silently, and then he stopped. he shook his head, a small smile on his lips. he set his drink down with a small "tut" and weaved his way through the crowd. he felt sweaty, and maybe it was because of the people dancing around him, or maybe it was because he saw a familiar face again. he saw a man walk past with a drink and minho grabbed it, smiling sweetly at the person and dumped the glass on a lump of curly hair.

"what the fuck?!" the person screeched, and minho chuckled softly. "oh my dear chris, it's been a while yeah?" chris blinked through the dripping alcohol and laughed. "minho? really? are you fucking serious?" minho nodded, grabbing the males wrist and pulling him through the crowd. "you have a shit ton of explaining to do," minho shouted over the music, and he could feel chris' frown through his torso. okay, maybe he feels a little bad that he spilt that drink all over him, but it was funny. also, he deserved it. "do you still have the car?" chris sighed loudly as they reached the door and minho pushed through, chris following closely behind.

"yeah i do, why?"

minho blinked unevenly at the older male, "can we go for a ride? with the top down? like we used to?" chris saw minho's lips twitch into a small grin, and he couldn't say no. minho knows chris can't say no to him. chris knows minho knows that, and he can't help but smile. he missed this. it's times like this that makes chris want to run his fingers through minho's hair and leave marks on his skin that only he knows about. "of course, let's go make a scene, yeah?" minho squealed, grabbing chris' cheeks and pressing his lips against the others. chris smiled, leading minho towards his car. a bright red car with the top already down. "chris bang with the top down? have you been hanging around other delinquents?" chris just laughed, hopping in. minho followed suit, and turned to chris. "hey," minho said as chris went to start the car. the australian male stopped, turning his head to face the other. "i missed this. if i'm going to be completely honest." minho's cheeks burned, and he felt like a teen confessing his love again. he didn't love chris, he knows he doesn't, but he really likes the feeling he gets from being around him. he feels high, he feels like he's floated. minho watched chris grin and he shook his head, looking through the glovebox. "do you still have my cigarettes from a bit ago?"

chris shrugged, backing out of the parking lot. "maybe, i have a lighter in my pocket, if you need it." minho cooed at chris, and laughed loudly when he found his box of cigarettes wrapped in a pink bow, just like he left it. at this point, he forgot he hated the name. chris bang. it was like a drug. he wanted to do bad things to and for chris bang. he wants to scatter pale purple marks around his milky thighs and he wanted to run down the quiet streets, feeling the cool air hit his face. he wanted to sing shitty duets with him at a bar and he wanted to get into fights with strangers for chris. he hated the way his stomach did flips when chris smiled at him. he grabbed the lighter from chris and opened the pack, pulling a cigarette out and grinning. "just like the old times!" he exclaimed, turning up the radio and leaning into the leather. chris nodded, "yeah." minho licked his lips, placing the stick in his mouth and lighting it. he breathed in, letting the toxins consume him and let go. he knows this is bad, and he doesn't want to do it, but being around this man made minho do stupid things. he let the bass pound through his stomach as chris drove around, he liked this feeling. it felt like he finally had his life together. minho looked at the dark night sky, which he would call a black, but he thinks it is more purple now. the silver sparkles called stars glistening in the pool of violet emptiness made minho feel so small. so insignificant. he wanted to feel special, in anyway possible. he didn't want to seem like just another human on this stupid planet. he wanted to make other people feel a different way. he wanted other people to look up to him, anything to make him feel important. minho stared at the stars, and he wonders if the stars look at humans the same way too. each star is so different, and every single one is appreciated, so why is that so hard with people?

minho watched as the smoke he exhaled flowed into the sky, and he felt chris glance towards him. multiple times. he didn't even notice chris park the car and turn off the radio. he didn't care either. nothing meant anything. life goes by, and minho hated that. he wanted life to have a deeper meaning, and he will never know if it really does until he dies. he didn't like that. he's wasted so much of his life already, it's too late to start over. he felt a hand on his shoulder, and he looked down, at chris who looked genuinely concerned.

"are you okay?"

minho's heart did jumping jacks, and minho hated it. he doesn't understand how three words could make him feel so weak, but so important. his head was already spinning and he wasn't sure if it was because of chris' words or because of the alcohol he consumed earlier. either way, it made minho feel alive. he felt invincible. he felt like he could do anything, and he loved it. he wanted more of this feeling. before he could get too out of hand, he brought his mind back to chris, who smiled softly, despite the fact he reeked of strawberry vodka. minho put out his cigarette and nodded. "i'm good. and you?" chris grinned, turning to the front and sighing. minho followed his actions, but gasped when he saw what was in front of them. they were parked by an old park they used to go to when they were barely legal and beg older men to buy them drinks. minho smiled, unbuckling his seatbelt and stretching. "are you fucking serious? i thought you forgot about this place!" chris chuckled, rubbing his eyes. minho thinks he's tired, he knows how chris is. he never sleeps, and he hates that. he wants chris to have a good nights sleep. he works too hard, and it upsets minho. the younger would never let him know about his worries though, he doesn't want it to be mistake for ge actually cares about him. because he doesn't. well, he thinks he doesn't. he heard chris say something, but minho was too deep in thought. he thought about how much he loves to hate the feeling of his name on my tongue. he hates that he loves it so much. it makes him feel like a silly teen again. he misses that. he misses having to sneak out and get back home before his mom woke up. he misses skipping school to make out behind a shitty fast food restaurant. he misses all the bad things he did when he was younger, but everything seems better with chris along for the ride. minho can tell chris was a good kid during school, he probably even studied for fun, but that added to the cuteness level minho had him on. a solid nine out of ten, and he'd never say it out loud but chris was probably the cutest man he's ever seen.

"minho?"

oh yeah. the male was snapped right back into reality and he felt alone. he knows he isn't alone right now, chris is sitting right next to him, but he feels small. he feels a weird sensation in his chest and he doesn't know what to do with it. he wants to ask chris, but chris is too smart for his own good, and it would only confuse the younger. he keeps it to himself, no matter how clammy his hands get, no matter how much his head pounds. he watches as chris smiles to himself, and minho wishes he could see inside his head. he wants to know what he sees the world as, he wants to know how he thinks. he wonders if chris also feels so alone, and so insignificant. he wants to spark up a conversation, but he's scared of what chris will say.

he is scared about the fact that maybe chris knows a little more about the world than he does. minho doesn't like that idea. he breathes in deeply, pine and alcohol burning his nostrils. he feels a breeze graze over his skin and he shivers. he likes it like this, when chris just lets them sit. he likes to think that chris thinks hard too, but he isn't so sure. maybe chris learned how to sleep with his eyes open, who knows. minho has so manny questions, and he knows he probably isn't going to get answers, but its fine. a part of him loves to live in a constant state of wonder, it tugs him forward. it makes him want to think about things even more.

"do you think," chris starts, voice small, so small minho almost doesn't catch it, "that one day, when we die, people are born to think the same way we do?" minho's mind goes wild. he's never thought about that yet. and suddenly, that's all his mind wants to think about. he closes his eyes, and those words are engraved into his eyelids. all of a sudden, chris' words mean everything to him. he wants so badly to relate to the older male.

minho hummed, "i never thought about that. but it makes sense. i mean, i want it to be that way." that was the best he could do, and he's happy he put that in. he is so happy he could say anything. he feels chris shift in his seat, and suddenly his skin burns. minho's mind goes to one question. why? minho faces chris in a heartbeat, and his arms are throbbing. "why did you leave?" the words come out a little too fast, and even chris is struggling to understand. minho feels his hands sweating, but his face is so cold. he feels frozen, yet melting at the same time. under chris' stare, minho doesn't know what to do. a small frown is sketched across the older's face, and minho is starting to rethink everything. "i was scared. and i didn't like the way i felt when i said your name." oh. minho relaxed a little, and that made chris relax as well. minho doesn't know if he should just say it, but he's biting his tongue. his eyes flicker over to chris, and he just now realizes how much this guy glows under the moonlight.

"i get this weird, tugging feeling in my chest whenever i see you, and it scared me a lot. i honestly thought i was dying because of all the things we did," chris continues, not letting minho's brain process everything thoroughly. minho paused. he felt the same way, but this only made him more confused. "i'm not sure if it's just me but my heart pounds even when i just say your name, and it scared the shit out of me so i ran away. i thought it would have helped, but it only made things worse."

minho wanted answers, he needed them. he rubbed his temples and nodded slowly. "i-i feel the same way i guess. my head throbs even when i did so much as think about you, and i'm so confused, i have no idea why my body reacts that way." chris hummed, grinning at the younger. they looked at each other for a good seven seconds before chris said fuck it and pulled out of the parking lot. minho was shocked, he's never seen chris go out of his schedule. if minho was being 100% honest, he felt his stomach do a little flip when they went over the speed limit. something about chris made his head spin, and he wasn't sure if it was the dirty thoughts in the back of his head or the softer, more innocent thoughts that minho wanted to throw away.

minho didn't do soft thoughts, and everyone knows that. he doesn't fall in love. he can't, and he won't let himself do that again. the first time he fell in love, he also had blood dripping down his fingers, and he would rather not head down that road again. but here he is, thinking about chris like that. he wants to watch shitty rom coms with the guy, and bake shitty cakes with him. he wanted to wake up next to chris and just hold him. but he can't. he doubts chris does the whole love thing, and he wants tk ask chris about it, but he can't bring himself to do so. minho looked to the right, and watched the houses pass by as they drove. he had no idea where they were going, and minho didn't ask questions. he liked living in a constant state of curiousity, it made life fun. he didn't like knowing everything, and as it goes, "ignorance is bliss". he heard chris humming, and minho has never heard the song before. he opened his mouth to ask, but then they pulled into a driveway. "where are we?" we blurted, cheeks turning pink as chris laughed. chris got out with a huff, and lead minho to the door, "this is my house. want to hang out?" minho rolled his eyes.

"sure. why not."

they went inside, and minho looked around. chris' house was small, but he had a lot of space, so it looked quite large. the main colors of the house were brown and white, but chris liked to tell minho it's cream. many paintings were hung up, and minho couldn't help but laugh at one of them, which oddly represented a painting from spongebob. chris let minho wander as he washed up, and minho was so happy about it. he felt like a kid again, running his fingers across the painted walls. he walked down the hall, and saw many pictures of chris and his friends in pretty black frames. he looked so happy with his friends, and minho began to wonder if they were all still in touch. he made his way back to the living room, and he sighed. he liked the feeling he got being inside this home. he felt like he belonged somewhere. once again, his mind wandered off, and he began to think about things he probably shouldn't think about. he thought about doing nasty things to chris in his bedroom, but he also thought about making blanket forts with the older and watching disney movies. he wishes he could watch the princess and the frog with chris, but he wouldn't tell him that. the soft buzzing of the shower was faint in minho's ears, and it made his stomach calm. the whole situation made him feel like he was in some kind of indie film. he knows how those films end, in love or one of them dies. he hopes it isn't either of the options.

minho blinked when the shower was shut off, and he breathed in deeply. he smelled strawberries and vanilla. his heart thumped hard in his chest as he heard small thumps coming down the hall. he shifted, and saw a smiling chris. "hey." minho smiled. they sat down together, and minho looked over chris' whole. he wore a long sweater and shorts. he looked so small, and minho wanted to just kiss him. but he won't. he wasn't going to, because he knows he shouldn't. he wanted to keep it classy, and just be friends with the guy again. his mind walked off yet again, and at this point, minho gave up. he let his brain think, he thinks it would be dumb if he stopped himself from thinking. people liked to think. it's what we do. he thought about how cozy chris' house felt, but then he thought back to the pictures in the hallway. "do you," minho asked, "still talk to jisung and changbin?" chris nodded, dimple evident and minho felt his heart jump into his throat. he looked away, palms warm. "yeah, we don't hang out as often, but they still come over sometimes. do you still hang out with hyunjin and woojin?" minho nodded. he was lying, but chris didn't have to know that. they stopped talking to minho months ago, for reasons minho still can't wrap his head around. he didn't really mind though, he liked being alone. he was so afraid of being alone, but he thought it was what he deserved. loneliness. he liked the idea of being alone, but it is nothing like living in a small cottage alone in the forest. it's staying up until four am staring at the ceiling hoping that maybe, just maybe, a friend will call asking about how you are doing. minho did a lot of things alone, but going out alone? that was scary. he didn't want people to think he was weak, so he went out anyway, but it made everything worse. he felt like he was choking, or drowning, he couldn't tell. he felt like someone was clawing at his throat, wrapping their long fingers around his neck and closing it. he felt like the ground was shaking, but it was really just his legs. he trembled a lot, but he pushed that to the side.

"how have you been?" minho asked, looking up. chris shrugged, "not so good but are people ever really good? do we just think we are good when we know we aren't?" minho laughed, kicking the older, "oh shut up. tell me about life chris bang, tell me about the bitches you've fucked!" then minho almost fainted. chris gave him a bright smile as he laughed loudly. the sound of chris' laugh echoing in his brain, and minho wanted to keep it there forever. "well, i can start with i haven't been fucking bitches," chris laughed out, lifting a hand up to muffle his laughs. minho's hand reached up and pushed chris' hand down. he didn't even realize he did it until chris stared at him, confused. well damn, he was confused too. he wasn't sure why he did it. it could have been because he loved the way chris' laugh rang through his ears. it also could have been because he liked to see chris' dimples peek through as he beamed. either way it made it seem like he loved him. he would say he doesn't, but his head hurts, and now he is questioning everything. "don't cover yourself up chris," he started, a small grin pulling at his lips. "you look beautiful when you laugh, and your laugh? fuck, it messes with my head." chris stared ahead, and minho couldn't tell if he was staring right at him, of pass him. he began to panic, thinking he fucked up. "shit i'm sorry. i didn't mean to say that it just came out."

chris patted minho's shoulder, and minho couldn't tell if chris felt sorry for him or if he was going to say something. "listen." oh okay. so he is going to say something. minho nodded, not missing the way chris scooted closer to him. their legs were touching now, and minho's head was spinning. his heart was doing laps, and he felt out of breath. "can i tell you a secret minho?" he nodded. he wanted to know. he wanted to eat up everything chris gave him. his mind finally decided to say fuck it and accept the fact that maybe he felt a way towards chris.

"okay," chris breathed in deeply. he looked nervous, and minho has to admit he looks cute. he never realized how cute chan was. he had the cutest nose, and minho just wanted to lean forward and kiss the tip of it. he watched as chris though through his words in his head. he looked focused, like he was scared to mess up they way his lips wrapped the words. "i'm not sure about you, but i missed you. a lot. and i should probably explain exactly what was going through my head because i don't want it to seem like i was intentionally trying to be a jerk. i feel really bad about it, but it gave me time to think, and i really hope it gave you time to think too minho." minho blinked slowly, nodding as chris fiddled with his fingers. minho leaned forward, lips grazing over chris' cool cheek. he pressed a quick peck onto the smooth skin, smirking as chris' face grew red. "okay, go ahead and explain everything baby, i'm listening." chris' breath hitched at the pet name, but he nodded.

"i was scared of who i was. i was finally realizing maybe i'm not straight, and that scared me a lot, considering we live in such a shitty country. i hated the way my head spun when you touched me. and," chris breathed in deeply, "i hated the way my heart would beat fast when you smiled at me. i was terrified."

minho nodded. he didn't know what to say. he felt the same way, but he didn't know how to say it. his throat felt dry and his palms were sweaty. no. he hated this feeling. he felt so gooey, and sticky, and minho wanted to scream. he couldn't voice his thoughts, his mouth wouldn't let him. he just stared at chris with lips held tightly together. this, unfortunately caused chris to panic. "uhm, i'm sorry, i shouldn't have actually said that i," minho rolled his eyes, grabbing chris' face and pressing their lips together. he felt chris relax as they progressed in the kiss. minho pushed chris down, straddling the older male. their lips felt perfect together, and minho didn't care about breathing anymore. but apparently chris did, and it made minho pout. they pulled away and chris grinned sheepishly at the younger. minho poked chris' dimple, smiling. "you know," minho said, fingers exploring chris' curly locks, "maybe i'm not opposed to the whole love thing."

chris quirked a brow at the male that was now above him, "really?" minho snorted, nodding as he cupped chris' face yet again. "of course. if love means i can see you smile with genuine happiness, then fuck it! i love love!"

"and me?"

minho smiled, "and you."


End file.
